I think it’s time, my beautiful ballads, that we have the conversation.
Astrology — you either hate it or love it. In my opinion, it’s almost like discussing politics. It’s a sore subject. Almost. You have people who are deep into it, could care less, or are somewhere in the happy medium.
Regardless of whether we want to talk about astrology or not, it’s real, and it’s happening. So let’s get into it.
Before I start, I want to preface this: No, I do not rule out any guy romantically solely because of their sign or anything of the sort. However, I do move with caution. And let me explain which signs.
First up on the chopping board:
- 1. Pisces Men
I genuinely believe that when women gave birth between the dates of February 19th and March 20th, Satan was in the delivery room screaming, “Twin!”
My first time romantically dealing with a Pisces man was in high school — a two-year relationship full of lies, deception, and manipulation. That man traumatized me so badly that, to this day, if I’m talking to a man and he mentions he’s a Pisces, I sincerely get war flashbacks.
Don’t get me wrong, I still try to give them a chance, but the horrors!
Talking to other women or just typing “surviving a Pisces man” on social media feels like we need to start a support group after dealing with one.
One out of every five women you meet will have a Pisces horror story. Ask at least five women in your life right now if they’ve ever dealt with a Pisces man, and watch them shudder in tragedy.
And it sucks because as a Virgo, Pisces is our sister sign. And I love Pisces women. They’re emotional, dreamy, spicy, and headstrong.
I don’t know where the disconnect happened between Pisces men and Pisces women.
My advice on dating a Pisces man?
Convince them to get a lobotomy — girl, I don’t know. Just run and seek therapy
- 2. Gemini Men
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
You goddamn Geminis.
I’ve never officially dated a Gemini (survivor), but I’ve had my fair share of getting to know them to empathize with my ballads who have.
I only ever had a crush on a Gemini man, and I was already going through emotional warfare.
We started off as friends — always trying to make each other laugh, wanting to be near each other all the time — and then one day, I woke up like,
“I think I wanna kiss my friend??”
So fun.
Nonetheless, we gave it a “shot”… for a week.
Next thing you know, his texts started coming in later, and we were talking less and less. We talked, agreed to stop being friends, and then — that following week — he posted his ex for WCW.
(Yes, this was in high school, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less.)
Geminis are tricky — they’re sly. Their personalities can hide how awful they actually are to date.
They’re also stereotypically two-faced. And honestly? I get it.
In the stages before actually dating them, they’re fun to be around, exciting, and no days are alike. But once you finally get them on lockdown, their mask starts to slip.
I think they like the chase.
Once they get you, they no longer feel the need to court you or try as hard.
And for that, they deserve prison time — and the #2 spot on my list.
- 3. Cancer Men
This one hurt to put on the list because my close friend is a Cancer man.
With that being said, I can understand why women lock their doors and close their curtains when they hear a Cancer man is on the prowl.
Cancers are the “mothers” of the zodiac. The feminine.
The thing is, when the universe was making the signs, they should’ve reserved that role for women only.
I think Cancers as a whole are very intuitive, emotionally attuned, and caring. They have so many great qualities.
Their downfall?
They use their powers to manipulate and hurt girls.
(Not you, friend.)
Their betrayal hurts so much because you least expect it.
You let your guard down, open up to them, have intimate moments — do the whole shindig. They’re water signs, so being vulnerable is almost innate to them.
The problem? They’re water signs.
They’re emotional.
They will not shy away from telling or showing you how they feel.
In hindsight, that sounds like a good thing, right? Right???
I saw a girl on TikTok say,
“Dating a Cancer man is almost like dating a woman.”
And on that note, I think we can end it there.
To my ballads who are dating a Cancer man:
I hope you and your girlfriend are happy and well.
- Honorable Mention #1: Virgo Men
I’ve heard terrible things about dating Virgo men.
They can be cold, distant, and of course, toxic.
The reason they are not on my list?
They make me laugh.
And I have to be biased — I’m a Virgo woman.
I’ve only had two short flings with Virgo men.
The first one? I met almost four years ago, and we’re still on good terms. At least once every two months, we talk about how we’re going to get married.
The other one stole my winter coat for about a month… but was an amazing kisser.
So y’know. Duality
- 4. Aries Men
THIS one hurt to put on the list because I absolutely love Aries. I think they’re so sweet.
The first person I ever got with after my first relationship was an Aries man.
He was also my first-ever situationship.
And the reason I had a trauma bond with Olivia Rodrigo’s album, SOUR.
But guys — he was SO sweet. Like, before everything turned shitty.
(I have problems.)
I think Aries men are way better as friends than romantic partners.
They try so hard not to be the bad guy that, eventually… they end up being the bad guy.
Which is so unfortunate.
As a friend, they’re funny, sweet, maybe even a little exciting.
But the moment you take the relationship to the next step — almost like Gemini men — a switch in their brain flips.
Everything you once liked about them? You now hate.
They can be hot and cold. One minute they’re all about you… and the next?
They’ve found someone else to obsess over.
Dating them feels like having to perform for their love and adoration 24/7 — and it gets exhausting.
And when you finally stop performing?
They show you why they’re a fire sign.
They will argue. They’ll counteract anything you say and invalidate your feelings in the process.
Dating them is like having a headache… but not taking any aspirin because you love them.
Sigh. Sayonara, sisters. Good luck.
- Honorable Mention #2: Aquarius Men
One word: LIARS
- 5. Leo Men
I am a Leo man magnet. I only attract Leos.
Now, you’re probably thinking, “Aliah, why aren’t they higher on your list?”
Well, my beautiful reader — it’s because a Leo man can still bamboozle me.
I know. I’M SICK.
But they are so attractive, so charming, so exciting… and again, attractive.
Maybe I like them so much because I’m a Leo rising.
So, when I come in contact with a Leo man, it feels familiar.
My first experience with a Leo man was in 2022. Whew. I remember that shit like it was yesterday.
He was bad, funny, well-dressed, and charmed my pants off.
Ever since then, all I’ve been attracting are Leo men.
The problem?
They all have commitment issues.
They are so sexy they feel the need to share it with everyone.
If you can lock down a Leo — kudos, and please share with the class.
They don’t want to be tied down.
Dating a Leo man means you have to accept that you’re essentially dating a slut.
A really fine and funny slut.
That Leo man I dated back in 2022?
I just recently had to put him on the chopping block.
Had to let my slut go and unfriend him on every social media platform, because every time he posted himself, my ovaries started barking.
Leo men use their beauty and charm to distract you from:
1. Getting to actually know them, and
2. Keeping you under their spell.
Do I still love my Leo men? Unfortunately.
Do I have any advice on how to handle one? Not really.
Best I can say is to ignore them and admire them from afar.
In all honesty, dating a man — regardless of his zodiac sign — is a risk.
And right now? We’re in a recession.
So you just gotta pick your risk and hope the odds are forever in your favor.
It’s the zodiac Hunger Games
